Currently Listening Who Will Survive, And What Will Be Left of Them By Murder by Death see related

i'll drink whisky instead of water...

it's funny how much we change without knowing it. i was looking at pictures from my senior year of college... looking at that person who was so "confident" and outgoing and so sure of what she wanted out of life...

and now i see the pictures of myself... and i am usually happy with what i see... i am okay with not being the center of attention. however, i have become noticeably shy. i don't speak unless spoken to, unless i have been drinking... then it's a free for all... the insecure person that i never wanted to be seemed to slowly creep out of me in these past years... i am afraid... of everything.

this new years... all of it seemed to turn around... i finally have some direction, and maybe even a person i can trust. the thought of leaving my parent's house makes me so completely ecstatic i can't bear it.

i feel that all of these insecurities and shyness stems from living at home. my parents speak for me... they stand up for me... they are overprotective and meddling. i am sick of being in a place where everyone knows who i am and knows my business. i feel like i have been living in 1984 (the book, not the year)... every move i make is monitored... every phone call is questioned... it is time to go.

it has been for a while...

so here's to a new year... and actually following through with my plans for life... no matter what they be.and to making new friends, and maybe living in a different place, and maybe, finally, doing something i want to do, regardless of the consequences.

Currently Listening Elliott Smith By Elliott Smith ***christian brothers*** see related

it's sixteen miles to the promise land...

so it's been a while... we finally got cable internet at my house!

now i can lament at any hour of the day or night! hooray!

i am indeed happy to say, that i am... happy.

this new year brought me many new and exciting revelations about life and love and all of those things that contribute to life.

i am sipping a make-shift white russian... and listening to tilly and the wall... writing comments on my new pictures from colorado... which is completely amazing...

i don't want to say too much, i don't want to let things out of the bag too soon...

but, here are some things that i know now, that i didn't know a month ago...

1.i am going back to school... to cut hair... in the city.

2.i am an interesting person, and i have things to say.

3.it's ok to make your parents mad.

4.quitting a job making sandwiches for nine dollars an hour never felt so good.

5.spending two hundred dollars that you scraped together to go to colorado when you are jobless and completely infatuated feels even better.

6.sometimes you have to break someone's heart, to save your own.

7.life, finally, seems to be coming together.

fingers crossed, heart swollen, starry-eyed, and completely focused... i am hoping that this year will be my year.

sleep on the floor, dream about me...

i need to move.

just pick up and move. today i start my second job... and i am freaking out. on wednesday someone i have liked for a very long time told me he liked me... i have a boyfriend... i am confused and sad, and my heart and stomach feels like they are all knotted together.

i am so confused. and sad. so very sad.

it's my birthday sunday... i will be twenty five. damnit all to hell.

last night my dad threw an empty waffle box at my head... on purpose...

it is time for me to just go. but where and how and why... i don't know.

i should be singing... i should be in some city... i should have done a lot of things.

Currently Listening Help! (Deluxe Edition) ***i've just seen a face*** see related

hooray for sandwich shoppes, and boys that frequent them... hooray for kareoke... hooray for reading out loud... hooray for shopping at eleven pm... hooray for horned-rimmed glasses... hooray for skinny frames... hooray for screw -top wine...hooray for kissing in public... hooray for not caring what other people think...hooray for finally feeling what seems to resemble "loved" in a long, long time.

things are looking up these days, and i'm ok with it.